She had that dream again. The one where she was a sitting on the bench, alone, cold and upset. Dressed in skinny jeans and wearing her favourite red beanie. A man approaches her and simply says "You are beautiful". Words she has never heard. Words that pierce her heart and wreck her head and that ring in her ears like a fire alarm in a burnt down house. Was it too late? "How can this be?" She screams and breaks down all on her own. Not one person comes to her aid. For all they know she could be dying. She is.
Her pain is real when it scars her skin. When the blood runs down her leg, mop it away. Don't let them see. "You're attention seeking", "how could you do such a thing?" "You're too beautiful to self harm" they say. And try and hush her away with funny looks and forced smiles and faces that badly mask their thoughts. She's had it all her life though. Every PE lesson. Every school trip. "Did you run into a door again?" Inside she's hurting. All eyes on her and she hates it. How can they say it. They don't know her. They don't even care.
She sees him again. The same man. Stood there, she questions whether she is dreaming this time. His eyes are shining like the sun it's self. She can only stand and look. Only to realise that it's her pitiful self staring back. Ashamed and beaten. Scarred by memories, regrets and such verbal abuse she swore she'd never tell.
Only her pain seemed real in that moment. Aware of the light shining through her as his eyes met hers. She tried to hide and look away but then realised her hurt was becoming extinguished with love. A feeling so numb to her she falls to the floor. He says it again "you are beautiful". Tears rolled down her face. The scars on his body were like those on hers, only deeper and newer and covered every inch. His clothes dripped with blood and tears ran down his cheeks. Yet his face showed only love. They felt something in that moment. They both realised it but neither said a word. After a while he raised his head and broke the silence with these four words. "You were worth it". They hit her like a hole in the head. She started to grasp his concept and struggled to speak. "For me?" She cried as she glanced at his beaten and torn body. She was a train wreck in that moment, overwhelmed with something she had never felt before.
He told her a story about a girl. The girl was only young. She was brought up by a single mum who tried her best to give them both a good start. But it seemed that it was doomed to fail at every part. Bad choices and money management sent them both to the streets where her mum busked for a living and where they struggled to eat. He spoke about her feelings and how she was bullied. He recalled the names of those who had hurt her one by one. He told about the scars on her legs that know one else knew were there. The ones she did with her school compass in her room back in 3rd year after a boy called her ugly. He spoke of her future and all it entailed. A husband and kids and a house of their own. He spoke with such love. A love that covered her and changed something inside the shallow hole known as the human heart.
It became apparent in her head that the girl he was speaking about with the dark brown hair and autum brown eyes was in fact herself. A mirror image of a hope. A hope she had never known. One that breathed love and shouted acceptance and freedom. One which he told her she could be. One where the past did not define her. That the names she had held were in fact not her.
Her scars faded like newspaper cuttings taped into a journal as his light shone down on her. Breaking off her pain with every tear she cried. In that moment she felt helpless but safe and free and her heart was alive. She thought about her medication and it's links with her dreams. But this was real. This was true. This was me.
No comments:
Post a Comment